Change

I love and hate change. Change can be awesome and inspiring and a motivator, and it can also be really hard to deal with.

I have been back at work for a week now. I have never been shy about "telling it like it is" when it comes to my feelings about going back to work after having kids and when asked this is my standard response: I love what I do, but there are two little things at home I love more.

I am sure that there are a zillion moms in the world who feel the same way. I have a few friends who aren't afraid to admit that they need a job; something to do and accomplish outside the home...something that helps them to appreciate their time with that screaming toddler.

I, on the other hand, would love to be a stay-at-home mom. I love mom crap: cloth diapers, making our own baby food, keeping a clean(er) house, crafting (see my post "A Very Pinterest Christmas"), themed birthday parties that take a few weeks to plan. I love it all. I still try to do these things but it is a lot more stressful trying to do it all while working every day. I loved my time at home with my girls but now I'm back at work.

What.....a.....change. Work is going well so far. I moved my desk around - great change! My sub moved the desks from groups to rows - weird for me, not sure if it's good or bad change. I miss my girls a LOT - bad. But I am in such a great mood on the afternoons when I get home to see them - good. My sitter just texted me a picture of them - good to see them at this moment, bad that I'm not there. The house is neglected - bad. But since the dogs aren't running around the house all day (they are caged when the sitter is there) there isn't nearly as much dog hair around which means less vacuuming- fantastic change!

On my first day back, I was working in my room and took a break to do some reading. It was a book I downloaded about stress control and time management for teachers - something I desperately needed on day one. In the first chapter there was a quote,

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." ~Maya Angelou

Whoa.

If you know me I can be a lot more negative and critical than I'd like to admit. And I don't want to be too exaggerated here, but reading that has really changed my perspective on things; possibly on my entire life.

I cannot change the fact that I have to work while my kids are tiny. Well....I could, actually. My husband says "three words...For. Sale. Sign.," but we spent too much time and effort building our house through the trades program and it's what we want our kids to grow up in and when they are all in school (and much bigger) we'll need the space. So...I have decided that my husband's solution is not a real one for us, just so I can have a few years at home with my babies.

SO...I am changing my attitude. My kids are wonderful and so happy, and I know they feel loved and that is what is most important.

OBVIOUSLY, these kids are happy :)

I am lucky to have a job...and a job I actually enjoy, so I am going to go back to enjoying my job, FULLY. I have always known I wanted to be a teacher, and I LOVE teaching...I just always thought that when I had kids I would get to stay home for a while with them and then go back to teaching later. Letting go of that has been a big change for me because I have been holding on to that hope for a long time now. And yes, I miss my girls terribly, but since I can't change my situation, I am changing my attitude about it.

Look on the bright side.
Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.
Let it be.
Turn lemons into lemonade.
Let go, and let God.

Since that moment, when I decided to change my attitude, I feel refreshed and have a renewed energy when it comes to my teaching.

I am vowing to be present, as best as I can, both at home and at school, and not wallow in my sadness, and feel sorry for myself about not being with my girls all day.

I am a great mom. I need to tell myself that more often (and I think we all do!). There will be more changes in our future, bad and good, I will try to keep positive, and remember that I am a great mom (even when I feel otherwise). I am a great mom.

And, to (embarrassingly) quote a Justin Beiber song,..."The grass ain't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it." Instead of dreaming of what could have been, I am going to put my efforts into what IS and have the greenest lawns EVER. :)

Gonna go water one of my lawns now...a.k.a. get my oldest up from her nap and do some dancing!

And tomorrow I will go back to watering my other "sprouts" as they head into day two of ISTEP!